D. Armenta
PlagmanYour Favorite Ham Hate Crime Author Writes Book, Begs for Connections (shamelessly, what a douche)
Sorry for the sabbatical, everyone; I know your days have been filled with slightly less joviality (thank you Word thesaurus) since I stopped posting everyday, but know that it’s been for a very good reason.
You see, my normal routine used to involve going to work, curing AIDS, insulting the foreigners in adjacent labs, and going to the university library to stare at the 18-22 year old girls who are either anorexically hot or need to stop going to the Pizza Hut in the school cafeteria. Since I had no intention of making any moves, given that I don’t hit on girls in settings in which they are not expecting to get hit on (i.e., that’s my excuse for being a pansy), I had to do something to pass the time; that’s when I usually wrote. Recently I’ve been getting play left and right thanks to my dual subscriptions to match.com and eharmony.com. But now that I’ve hooked up with everyone on my “favorites” list, or at least send them a message and never got a response, I’m back to my old routine.
Okay, obviously I was just joking around. Why on earth would I sign up for eharmony while already on match? That’d just be stupid. But that doesn’t have anything to do with why I haven’t been posting articles. The real reasons are that a) I was working on a book so I could get paid to be so damn entertaining, and 2) my family held an intervention and cut me off from my Adderall supply, as if legal amphetamines are just as bad as illegal ones. I don’t actually know which version I was taking. When I asked if they were legal the dude told me they were as long as I didn’t get caught; not my job to interpret the law.
Fortunately, a few weeks ago someone realized this was the problem and went about to get me amphetamines via the usual route: a shrink with a trigger happy prescription pad. It may have taken six doctors and $492 in co-pays before we found the right one, but given that I wrote my 85,000 word book within four hours of leaving the pharmacy, it was definitely worth it.
So now I’m here to do what I’ve always been bad at doing: shamelessly promote myself. Unlike other so-called “authors” who are going to beg you to buy their book so they can make their next payment on the TV they’re renting, my book hasn’t been published yet so I can’t do that. What I need is for someone with a connection to step me up because I certainly don’t have any. Seriously, I’m going to set the Guinness world record for the most qualified medical school applicant to not be accepted.
Think about it; if I can create national controversy with a 600-word article about a ham sandwich, just imagine how many dumb people I can out to the world with 85,000. Actually, the only dumb person I out (as a moron; to my knowledge he’s not gay) is Al Sharpton, but I don’t think there’s anyone left, at least in North America, that isn’t aware of his aptitude-deficiency.
Let me give you a taste: I talk about politics, stereotypes, men being stupid, the gay community, having kids, living in England, stereotypes, being offended, living in the real world, racism, stereotypes and people who are easily (and not easily) offended.
If you’re still not convinced you should pull out your connections for me, rumor has it that Brad Pitt is going to play me in the movie version (as if anyone else could pull off being me…).
Now, I need to get to softball practice for the two teams I captain so I don’t have time to read through this and edit it, but rest assured, even though I just want to use you for your connections, I will be eternally grateful* for anyone who can help me out.
*Disclaimer: eternal gratitude has no monetary value.
You see, my normal routine used to involve going to work, curing AIDS, insulting the foreigners in adjacent labs, and going to the university library to stare at the 18-22 year old girls who are either anorexically hot or need to stop going to the Pizza Hut in the school cafeteria. Since I had no intention of making any moves, given that I don’t hit on girls in settings in which they are not expecting to get hit on (i.e., that’s my excuse for being a pansy), I had to do something to pass the time; that’s when I usually wrote. Recently I’ve been getting play left and right thanks to my dual subscriptions to match.com and eharmony.com. But now that I’ve hooked up with everyone on my “favorites” list, or at least send them a message and never got a response, I’m back to my old routine.
Okay, obviously I was just joking around. Why on earth would I sign up for eharmony while already on match? That’d just be stupid. But that doesn’t have anything to do with why I haven’t been posting articles. The real reasons are that a) I was working on a book so I could get paid to be so damn entertaining, and 2) my family held an intervention and cut me off from my Adderall supply, as if legal amphetamines are just as bad as illegal ones. I don’t actually know which version I was taking. When I asked if they were legal the dude told me they were as long as I didn’t get caught; not my job to interpret the law.
Fortunately, a few weeks ago someone realized this was the problem and went about to get me amphetamines via the usual route: a shrink with a trigger happy prescription pad. It may have taken six doctors and $492 in co-pays before we found the right one, but given that I wrote my 85,000 word book within four hours of leaving the pharmacy, it was definitely worth it.
So now I’m here to do what I’ve always been bad at doing: shamelessly promote myself. Unlike other so-called “authors” who are going to beg you to buy their book so they can make their next payment on the TV they’re renting, my book hasn’t been published yet so I can’t do that. What I need is for someone with a connection to step me up because I certainly don’t have any. Seriously, I’m going to set the Guinness world record for the most qualified medical school applicant to not be accepted.
Think about it; if I can create national controversy with a 600-word article about a ham sandwich, just imagine how many dumb people I can out to the world with 85,000. Actually, the only dumb person I out (as a moron; to my knowledge he’s not gay) is Al Sharpton, but I don’t think there’s anyone left, at least in North America, that isn’t aware of his aptitude-deficiency.
Let me give you a taste: I talk about politics, stereotypes, men being stupid, the gay community, having kids, living in England, stereotypes, being offended, living in the real world, racism, stereotypes and people who are easily (and not easily) offended.
If you’re still not convinced you should pull out your connections for me, rumor has it that Brad Pitt is going to play me in the movie version (as if anyone else could pull off being me…).
Now, I need to get to softball practice for the two teams I captain so I don’t have time to read through this and edit it, but rest assured, even though I just want to use you for your connections, I will be eternally grateful* for anyone who can help me out.
*Disclaimer: eternal gratitude has no monetary value.
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