D. Armenta
PlagmanParis Hilton Receives Special Treatment in Jail: Sheriffs Investigate
Because there is very little crime in Los Angeles, the Sheriff’s Department has began an investigation into allegations that special treatment was given to Paris Hilton during her 23-day prison sentence, which she received for violating her probation from an alcohol-related reckless driving case.
“No one in prison should be given special treatment,” said Sheriff Robert Jenson, “especially not the kind of scum that drives a car while on probation. If it were up to me, we’d just shoot those people on the side of the road and be done with it.”
According to sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore, who is even surprised himself that the sheriff has his own spokesman, “the internal probe will examine whether the hotel heiress was given free access to a cordless phone instead of being forced to wait in line to use a pay phone at certain hours. Once we determine what really happened, we can put our men back to catching rapists and murderers and whatnot.”
Whitmore also claims that “Hilton was given a new jail uniform instead of the recycled ones given to many inmates,” even though the proper protocols were not conducted to determine whether Hilton qualifies as one of the “many inmates.” As if this weren’t enough to condemn Hilton and the entire penitentiary system, Whitmore further alleges that Hilton’s mail was delivered by a captain instead of inmate trusties, thus seriously hurting the feelings of the inmate trusties.
“I was devastated when they usurped our responsibility right out from under us,” said one of the inmate trusties, “why wouldn’t they let us deliver Paris Hilton’s mail? Do they not trust us? It’s not like I was going to stab her or nothin’. I mean, everyone told me I should, but I wanted to ask her if I could be on the next season of The Simple Life.”
Unable to ignore such a serious breach of national security, President Bush conducted a press conference to address the issues. “The social inequality present in prisons is a number one concern among Americans. Regardless of wealth or influence, all inmates deserve their mail to be delivered to them by the same person.”
Interjected Condoleeza Rice, “before we talk about Iraq or North Korea, I urge anyone with any information regarding who decided Paris would get a new uniform to come forward, for the sake of your country.”
According to the Los Angeles Times, the aforementioned allegations were presented to the department’s union, the Association for Los Angeles Deputy Sheriffs, by its own members who were bitter that they didn’t get to give Hilton special treatment, and possibly receive “special treatment” in return.
The following afternoon, the guard who gave Hilton the new uniform admitted to his mistake. “She said if I gave her a new one I could watch her change into it.” Upon hearing the guard’s rationale, all charges were immediately dropped, although his home was then searched for any video evidence of the alleged clothes-changing.
[Yes, this is an actual investigation for the exact reasons presented in the article. You calling me a liar? Okay whatever. Here’s the article: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,289187,00.html. Oh, and I’d also like to add, come on, morons, who gives a s**?!]
“No one in prison should be given special treatment,” said Sheriff Robert Jenson, “especially not the kind of scum that drives a car while on probation. If it were up to me, we’d just shoot those people on the side of the road and be done with it.”
According to sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore, who is even surprised himself that the sheriff has his own spokesman, “the internal probe will examine whether the hotel heiress was given free access to a cordless phone instead of being forced to wait in line to use a pay phone at certain hours. Once we determine what really happened, we can put our men back to catching rapists and murderers and whatnot.”
Whitmore also claims that “Hilton was given a new jail uniform instead of the recycled ones given to many inmates,” even though the proper protocols were not conducted to determine whether Hilton qualifies as one of the “many inmates.” As if this weren’t enough to condemn Hilton and the entire penitentiary system, Whitmore further alleges that Hilton’s mail was delivered by a captain instead of inmate trusties, thus seriously hurting the feelings of the inmate trusties.
“I was devastated when they usurped our responsibility right out from under us,” said one of the inmate trusties, “why wouldn’t they let us deliver Paris Hilton’s mail? Do they not trust us? It’s not like I was going to stab her or nothin’. I mean, everyone told me I should, but I wanted to ask her if I could be on the next season of The Simple Life.”
Unable to ignore such a serious breach of national security, President Bush conducted a press conference to address the issues. “The social inequality present in prisons is a number one concern among Americans. Regardless of wealth or influence, all inmates deserve their mail to be delivered to them by the same person.”
Interjected Condoleeza Rice, “before we talk about Iraq or North Korea, I urge anyone with any information regarding who decided Paris would get a new uniform to come forward, for the sake of your country.”
According to the Los Angeles Times, the aforementioned allegations were presented to the department’s union, the Association for Los Angeles Deputy Sheriffs, by its own members who were bitter that they didn’t get to give Hilton special treatment, and possibly receive “special treatment” in return.
The following afternoon, the guard who gave Hilton the new uniform admitted to his mistake. “She said if I gave her a new one I could watch her change into it.” Upon hearing the guard’s rationale, all charges were immediately dropped, although his home was then searched for any video evidence of the alleged clothes-changing.
[Yes, this is an actual investigation for the exact reasons presented in the article. You calling me a liar? Okay whatever. Here’s the article: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,289187,00.html. Oh, and I’d also like to add, come on, morons, who gives a s**?!]
There's not enough compassion in the world, and far too many drive-by shootings. Paris really should have been shot at birth.
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