D. Armenta
PlagmanNewly Proposed Immigration Reform Bill Gives Illegals Reason to Celebrate (and not speak English)
The most recent failure of President Bush and Congress to reach a compromise regarding immigration reform has forced both sides to settle on a plan that neither side could have imagined just two weeks ago.
“We had to come up with something,” said Bush at a press conference in Washington, “we’re sitting here arguing; meanwhile two-thousand free-loading Mexicans just snuck over and cost us another billion. I try to propose what’s in the best interest of Americans, i.e. people from America, but Congress won’t do what needs to be done because they’re scared of the Hispanic lobbyists. You’d think no one told them that illegals can’t vote… or can they? Mike, add that to the list.”
“We’ve got to give these people an opportunity to become citizens,” continued Bush, “they want to pay taxes, and they’re eager to pay a few thousand dollars to go through the process of becoming a citizen so they can pay taxes, but right now we just don’t have an effective system in place to accommodate all of them.”
The list of proposed changes includes various requirements that would in theory optimize assimilation into American culture (note: according to Section 4B-11, hot Latino women will be granted immediate access and given private escort across the border).
For instance, applicants for permits to sneak over the border must take a simple verbal test that even most NBA players can pass, which would test their knowledge of both English and Ghetto-ese. Also, the illegal hopefuls must be trained in basic first-aid so as to reduce the amount of times they go to the emergency room for free healthcare. Here are some of the other highlights of the plan:
1) The history test, which is currently given to all individuals applying for US citizenship, will be simplified, with the answers being composed from the most common responses given by high school students in Detroit, Atlanta, Alabama, and Mississippi. The Mexicans taking the exam will be subjected to the same standards as the students in those four areas, and therefore must score a minimum of 27% to have achieved a passing mark.
2) Upon acceptance, the new bill allows illegals to stay in the United States for no more than 40 years. Moreover, after the 33rd year, the individual must sign up for an oral exam that will require that they know a minimum of eleven words of English; Spanish words that are used in English, such as taco, are acceptable. Signing up for the oral exam is required, and will be enforced via the honor code.
3) Textbooks in Spanish will be administered to new arrivals for their children to attend Spanish-speaking schools at no cost to the tax-paying illegals. They will also be given the names of several court translators who can be used for any number of infractions, some more inevitable than others.
4) New arrivals will be given a No-Insurance insurance card that can be used on more than one occasion to flee the scene of an accident in the event that the driver of the totaled vehicle records the license plate of the uninsured vehicle.
5) As an incentive to stay in America and continue to send money out of the economy, undocumented workers who don’t pay taxes will be able to deduct from their taxes the money that they earn and send to their families in foreign countries.
6) To improve the quality of entertainment available to Mexicans, all radio stations will be required to speak Spanish no less than 65% of the time while on the air. Furthermore, every other song must be from a Latino artists, only 10% of which can be from Latino artists that sing in English.
But what the Bush administration would like to stress is that in no way will the American citizen be subjected to any increased financial loss as a result of the influx of illegals into the US. “People think this immigration reform bill is going to take more money out of their pockets,” said Bush, “and that’s outrageous. The money’s already being taken out of their pockets, so no one will notice any difference.”
As it stands, this bill appears to be the best shot at a compromise. But that could easily be modified given the propensity of minority groups to lobby for changes that benefit them at everyone else’s expense.
“This is America,” said a spokesman for the Organization for the Rights and Liberties of Illegal Hispanics, “and if America isn’t about accommodating a few at the expense of everyone, then what’s the point of even having a Constitution?”
With the Presidential elections only 18 months away and Democrats gaining prominence, Bush ended his speech in defense of the Hispanic community, showing off his knowledge of American history in the process, “America does not belong solely to Americans,” he explained, “it belongs to everyone, especially those who aren’t from America, just like our ancestors weren’t from America, and just like their ancestors before them weren’t from America. We owe it to current Americans, who technically aren’t from America, to pay tribute to our ancestors by going out of our way to make sure foreigners feel welcome in this land, since they’re the ones who belong here just as much as each one of us who has lived here their entire life and speaks the language.”
“We had to come up with something,” said Bush at a press conference in Washington, “we’re sitting here arguing; meanwhile two-thousand free-loading Mexicans just snuck over and cost us another billion. I try to propose what’s in the best interest of Americans, i.e. people from America, but Congress won’t do what needs to be done because they’re scared of the Hispanic lobbyists. You’d think no one told them that illegals can’t vote… or can they? Mike, add that to the list.”
“We’ve got to give these people an opportunity to become citizens,” continued Bush, “they want to pay taxes, and they’re eager to pay a few thousand dollars to go through the process of becoming a citizen so they can pay taxes, but right now we just don’t have an effective system in place to accommodate all of them.”
The list of proposed changes includes various requirements that would in theory optimize assimilation into American culture (note: according to Section 4B-11, hot Latino women will be granted immediate access and given private escort across the border).
For instance, applicants for permits to sneak over the border must take a simple verbal test that even most NBA players can pass, which would test their knowledge of both English and Ghetto-ese. Also, the illegal hopefuls must be trained in basic first-aid so as to reduce the amount of times they go to the emergency room for free healthcare. Here are some of the other highlights of the plan:
1) The history test, which is currently given to all individuals applying for US citizenship, will be simplified, with the answers being composed from the most common responses given by high school students in Detroit, Atlanta, Alabama, and Mississippi. The Mexicans taking the exam will be subjected to the same standards as the students in those four areas, and therefore must score a minimum of 27% to have achieved a passing mark.
2) Upon acceptance, the new bill allows illegals to stay in the United States for no more than 40 years. Moreover, after the 33rd year, the individual must sign up for an oral exam that will require that they know a minimum of eleven words of English; Spanish words that are used in English, such as taco, are acceptable. Signing up for the oral exam is required, and will be enforced via the honor code.
3) Textbooks in Spanish will be administered to new arrivals for their children to attend Spanish-speaking schools at no cost to the tax-paying illegals. They will also be given the names of several court translators who can be used for any number of infractions, some more inevitable than others.
4) New arrivals will be given a No-Insurance insurance card that can be used on more than one occasion to flee the scene of an accident in the event that the driver of the totaled vehicle records the license plate of the uninsured vehicle.
5) As an incentive to stay in America and continue to send money out of the economy, undocumented workers who don’t pay taxes will be able to deduct from their taxes the money that they earn and send to their families in foreign countries.
6) To improve the quality of entertainment available to Mexicans, all radio stations will be required to speak Spanish no less than 65% of the time while on the air. Furthermore, every other song must be from a Latino artists, only 10% of which can be from Latino artists that sing in English.
But what the Bush administration would like to stress is that in no way will the American citizen be subjected to any increased financial loss as a result of the influx of illegals into the US. “People think this immigration reform bill is going to take more money out of their pockets,” said Bush, “and that’s outrageous. The money’s already being taken out of their pockets, so no one will notice any difference.”
As it stands, this bill appears to be the best shot at a compromise. But that could easily be modified given the propensity of minority groups to lobby for changes that benefit them at everyone else’s expense.
“This is America,” said a spokesman for the Organization for the Rights and Liberties of Illegal Hispanics, “and if America isn’t about accommodating a few at the expense of everyone, then what’s the point of even having a Constitution?”
With the Presidential elections only 18 months away and Democrats gaining prominence, Bush ended his speech in defense of the Hispanic community, showing off his knowledge of American history in the process, “America does not belong solely to Americans,” he explained, “it belongs to everyone, especially those who aren’t from America, just like our ancestors weren’t from America, and just like their ancestors before them weren’t from America. We owe it to current Americans, who technically aren’t from America, to pay tribute to our ancestors by going out of our way to make sure foreigners feel welcome in this land, since they’re the ones who belong here just as much as each one of us who has lived here their entire life and speaks the language.”
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Following the speech, the President received an eighteen minute standing ovation from the custodial staff after they noticed that the janitor who spoke English was applauding.
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