D. Armenta
PlagmanList and Detailed Explanations of the Vatican's
Those of you who read my most recent post, and thus are guaranteed a spot in Heaven, are already aware that the Vatican has issued “Ten Commandments” for drivers. But because all of you have an attention span as short as mine, the actual commandments themselves were not listed in the previous post, because all of you have an attention span just as short as mine, and have a hard time remembering what you wrote or read before getting to the end of a given sentence, which is why the actual commandments themselves were not listed in the previous post. In this one, however, I intend to go over each and every one of them, since they are all written in prose and modern English, making it difficult for foreigners, illegals, and street soldas to understand the text as written. It is also important to be able to interpret these commandments, as most of them, particularly the first one, are not very straightforward.
1. You shall not kill.
Notice how instead of saying, “thou shalt not,” it says “you shall not”; this is representative of the newer, hipper bishops at the Vatican, but still fails to hide the fact that this commandment is a total rip-off of one of the original ten commandments; the 6th to be precise, cleverly placed in this list as number one to further disguise the plagiarism. Experts argue this is a filler driving commandment.
2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.
This commandment overlaps the first one, and is merely a subliminal message to reinforce the taking of communion, which occurs at church, after the money is collected. The road is actually a way to get from one location to another, and really has nothing to do with communion, which implies spiritual unity or a relationship, between two people. But in the Vatican’s defense, it sounds a lot better than, “the road is for gettin’ from here to there. No more, no less.” This decree could have a detrimental affect on the rap industry, members of which depend on cars for drive-by shootings.
3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.
Clearly, the best way to react to an unforeseen event, such as when a tractor-trailer is about to broadside you, is to act courteous to the imminent disaster, and as your car gets crunched like a tin can by the 15-ton semi, use uprightness while trying to guess how many of your bones are being crushed. You’ll be pleasantly surprised how a little bit of prudence can drown out the sound of your legs snapping like twigs.
4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of an accident.
While it may be tempting to leave the scene of an accident because you don’t have insurance or a green-card, one should always help another person in need. This commandment should apply to all aspects of life, even if it’s Pacman Jones and his entourage outside a strip club at 4am; stop and see if they require any assistance. It never hurts to ask, unless they shoot you.
5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.
An automobile is a tool for transportation and for ugly guys to land hot girlfriends; it should never be used to intimidate by roaring the engine or speeding past an old person backing up traffic for miles. The phrase “occasion of sin” refers to the common, everyday practice of picking up prostitutes and being too cheap to get a hotel room. The church adamantly opposes such stingy behavior, and realizing it was probably unclear to their congregation whether or not prostitution was frowned upon by God , wanted to make sure the people were aware.
6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.
The phrase “fitting condition” is certainly left up to interpretation. An example of an obviously unfit condition in which one should avoid driving would be when you’re old enough to refer to people your age as the “not so young.” To do so charitably means to not charge a fee for informing someone that they should not get behind the wheel of a car. And if she’s really attractive, it also means to insist that you give her a ride home, no matter how drunk she may be.
7. Support the families of accident victims.
Common courtesy states that it if you injure, maim, impregnate, dismember, or end the life of another person, you should support their family via a seven figure settlement from your insurance company. You should then plead guilty to the charge of vehicular manslaughter, because the punishment for dropping ketchup on your shirt, looking down for a second and hitting another car always has been, and always will be, 7 to 10 years in prison. Maybe next time you’ll think twice about buying a double cheeseburger off the dollar menu, cheapskate.
8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.
It is important that the victims have the opportunity to apologize to the guilty motorists whose way they got into on the road. Because it is mandated by law in most modern countries, the guilty driver is always given the blame. But just as it takes two to tango, it takes two to cause an accident: one driver to make the mistake, and another driver to be the soccer mom making a left turn in slow-motion hoping a car will come around the corner before she is able to crawl through the intersection.
The victims always feel much better after undergoing “the liberating experience of forgiveness;” Al Sharpton certainly does, assuming the guilty party isn’t white. Occasionally, however, the guilty party deserves the blame, particularly when they may not have been fit to drive and the victim’s family lost the victim from their family. In these cases, given how angry and resentful the family is towards the manslaughterer, it is that much more liberating when they forgive the drunk driver that killed their 16-year old daughter. But if that proves too difficult, they can always take solace in the fact that he will be rotting in jail for a decade, effectively ruining two lives instead of one. Yay!
9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.
With the exception of possums, no party on the road is more vulnerable than the soccer mom. It is important that drivers be aware of the soccer mom, who should be easily identifiable by the over-sized SUV creeping over the white dashes into your lane 5 mph under the speed limit. Drivers should unite together to form a protective cocoon around the soccer mom, so that when she makes that left, her broad side isn’t exposed for the three minutes it takes to turn, because you’re right alongside her. Also, you should protect bicyclists by reminding them why they shouldn’t ride their bike on busy streets.
10. Feel responsible towards others.
Although no one in America is responsible for their own ineptitude, one should always feel a measure of responsibility for the safety of those who don’t belong on the road in the first place. Remember, if you’re not going to look out for the well-being of other drivers on the road, who will?
1. You shall not kill.
Notice how instead of saying, “thou shalt not,” it says “you shall not”; this is representative of the newer, hipper bishops at the Vatican, but still fails to hide the fact that this commandment is a total rip-off of one of the original ten commandments; the 6th to be precise, cleverly placed in this list as number one to further disguise the plagiarism. Experts argue this is a filler driving commandment.
2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.
This commandment overlaps the first one, and is merely a subliminal message to reinforce the taking of communion, which occurs at church, after the money is collected. The road is actually a way to get from one location to another, and really has nothing to do with communion, which implies spiritual unity or a relationship, between two people. But in the Vatican’s defense, it sounds a lot better than, “the road is for gettin’ from here to there. No more, no less.” This decree could have a detrimental affect on the rap industry, members of which depend on cars for drive-by shootings.
3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.
Clearly, the best way to react to an unforeseen event, such as when a tractor-trailer is about to broadside you, is to act courteous to the imminent disaster, and as your car gets crunched like a tin can by the 15-ton semi, use uprightness while trying to guess how many of your bones are being crushed. You’ll be pleasantly surprised how a little bit of prudence can drown out the sound of your legs snapping like twigs.
4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of an accident.
While it may be tempting to leave the scene of an accident because you don’t have insurance or a green-card, one should always help another person in need. This commandment should apply to all aspects of life, even if it’s Pacman Jones and his entourage outside a strip club at 4am; stop and see if they require any assistance. It never hurts to ask, unless they shoot you.
5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.
An automobile is a tool for transportation and for ugly guys to land hot girlfriends; it should never be used to intimidate by roaring the engine or speeding past an old person backing up traffic for miles. The phrase “occasion of sin” refers to the common, everyday practice of picking up prostitutes and being too cheap to get a hotel room. The church adamantly opposes such stingy behavior, and realizing it was probably unclear to their congregation whether or not prostitution was frowned upon by God , wanted to make sure the people were aware.
6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.
The phrase “fitting condition” is certainly left up to interpretation. An example of an obviously unfit condition in which one should avoid driving would be when you’re old enough to refer to people your age as the “not so young.” To do so charitably means to not charge a fee for informing someone that they should not get behind the wheel of a car. And if she’s really attractive, it also means to insist that you give her a ride home, no matter how drunk she may be.
7. Support the families of accident victims.
Common courtesy states that it if you injure, maim, impregnate, dismember, or end the life of another person, you should support their family via a seven figure settlement from your insurance company. You should then plead guilty to the charge of vehicular manslaughter, because the punishment for dropping ketchup on your shirt, looking down for a second and hitting another car always has been, and always will be, 7 to 10 years in prison. Maybe next time you’ll think twice about buying a double cheeseburger off the dollar menu, cheapskate.
8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.
It is important that the victims have the opportunity to apologize to the guilty motorists whose way they got into on the road. Because it is mandated by law in most modern countries, the guilty driver is always given the blame. But just as it takes two to tango, it takes two to cause an accident: one driver to make the mistake, and another driver to be the soccer mom making a left turn in slow-motion hoping a car will come around the corner before she is able to crawl through the intersection.
The victims always feel much better after undergoing “the liberating experience of forgiveness;” Al Sharpton certainly does, assuming the guilty party isn’t white. Occasionally, however, the guilty party deserves the blame, particularly when they may not have been fit to drive and the victim’s family lost the victim from their family. In these cases, given how angry and resentful the family is towards the manslaughterer, it is that much more liberating when they forgive the drunk driver that killed their 16-year old daughter. But if that proves too difficult, they can always take solace in the fact that he will be rotting in jail for a decade, effectively ruining two lives instead of one. Yay!
9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.
With the exception of possums, no party on the road is more vulnerable than the soccer mom. It is important that drivers be aware of the soccer mom, who should be easily identifiable by the over-sized SUV creeping over the white dashes into your lane 5 mph under the speed limit. Drivers should unite together to form a protective cocoon around the soccer mom, so that when she makes that left, her broad side isn’t exposed for the three minutes it takes to turn, because you’re right alongside her. Also, you should protect bicyclists by reminding them why they shouldn’t ride their bike on busy streets.
10. Feel responsible towards others.
Although no one in America is responsible for their own ineptitude, one should always feel a measure of responsibility for the safety of those who don’t belong on the road in the first place. Remember, if you’re not going to look out for the well-being of other drivers on the road, who will?
Film & TV on DVD
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Debate Fan
Love reading your stuff, as always P.--you prolific little bugger.
How do you do it? I'm jealous.