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PlagmanObese Man Sues after being Ticketed for not Wearing Seatbelt
Donald Edwards, 32, is suing the state of Ohio for issuing him a ticket for failure to wear his seatbelt. Aside from his belief that Americans should have the right to decide whether or not they wish to survive a car accident, Edwards has another problem when it comes to seatbelts: they don’t fit him.
“Since my first year in college, I haven’t been able to buckle seatbelts around me,” he said. Edwards, who is 6’5” and according to NASA scientists weighs approximately 480 pounds, has yet to find a seatbelt that will fit his dimensions.
“The seatbelt law is not only analogous to Big Brother trying to control our lives, but it’s extremely insensitive to the needs, and feelings, of the 2-3% of Americans who suffer from obesity,” Edwards said in a statement.
Given the frightening statistic that 63% of people killed in accidents were not wearing their seatbelt, seatbelt laws have been adopted in nearly every state in America. It is estimated the 5,800 lives are saved each year by seatbelts.
Several groups have come to the defense of Edwards, whose ticket could cost him nearly $60 if found guilty by a grand jury. Included among them are the National Organization of Obese People, known more commonly as NOOP, and the Libertarian Organization for Social Equality and Rights, or LOSER.
“The problem with laws in this country,” said a LOSER spokesman, “is that they are geared towards the masses. As you can see, Edwards is a rather large mass on his own, and to group him in with 300 million other Americans is outrageous. Instead, look at the facts: seatbelts are meant to restrain drivers and passengers in the event of an accident, but is there really any way that a man of Edwards’ size is going anywhere? I could’ve sworn this was America, not a communist dictatorship.”
The same backlash occurred when helmet laws were introduced in the 90s; riders felt that the government had no right to try and control what they did with and upon what roads they wished to display their cerebral cortices and underlying neural tissues. Famous comedian Jerry Seinfeld was disturbed by the very idea of having a helmet law, believing that it’s ridiculous that the government is passing laws to save the lives of people whose brains are functioning so poorly that they aren’t even trying to save themselves.
“It’s not about what makes sense, or what’s logical,” said LOSER director Kevin Dillwood from his parent’s basement, “it’s about our rights as Americans. You step on one right and justify it by saying you want to ‘save lives,’ but then where do you draw the line? Before you know it, kids won’t be allowed to buy handguns just because one might hurt himself.”
Although the trampling of his rights is certainly a concern of Edwards, the real issue in his mind is the continual insensitivity of America as a whole towards the overweight population. “I know that obese Americans are a severe minority, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings,” said Edwards, “I’m no different from any other American who puts their pants on one leg at a time, with the help of a spotter and two volunteer firemen, and I just want people to understand that we’re different and we can’t be held to the same laws as skinny-folk.”
In the suit, Edwards is demanding that the ticket be revoked, his driving record be cleared, and as compensation for the emotional trauma he’s endured, he be awarded a lifetime supply of Swiss Cake Rolls.
“People are going to learn, one way or another, that you can’t mess with the obese just because they might be overweight in the eyes of a few judgmental individuals,” said Edwards, “I just hope this most recent suit will be a huge step towards what we’re trying to achieve, cause Lord knows I can’t take very many steps unless I get time in between each one for a breather.”
(Written by Plagman)
“Since my first year in college, I haven’t been able to buckle seatbelts around me,” he said. Edwards, who is 6’5” and according to NASA scientists weighs approximately 480 pounds, has yet to find a seatbelt that will fit his dimensions.
“The seatbelt law is not only analogous to Big Brother trying to control our lives, but it’s extremely insensitive to the needs, and feelings, of the 2-3% of Americans who suffer from obesity,” Edwards said in a statement.
Given the frightening statistic that 63% of people killed in accidents were not wearing their seatbelt, seatbelt laws have been adopted in nearly every state in America. It is estimated the 5,800 lives are saved each year by seatbelts.
Several groups have come to the defense of Edwards, whose ticket could cost him nearly $60 if found guilty by a grand jury. Included among them are the National Organization of Obese People, known more commonly as NOOP, and the Libertarian Organization for Social Equality and Rights, or LOSER.
“The problem with laws in this country,” said a LOSER spokesman, “is that they are geared towards the masses. As you can see, Edwards is a rather large mass on his own, and to group him in with 300 million other Americans is outrageous. Instead, look at the facts: seatbelts are meant to restrain drivers and passengers in the event of an accident, but is there really any way that a man of Edwards’ size is going anywhere? I could’ve sworn this was America, not a communist dictatorship.”
The same backlash occurred when helmet laws were introduced in the 90s; riders felt that the government had no right to try and control what they did with and upon what roads they wished to display their cerebral cortices and underlying neural tissues. Famous comedian Jerry Seinfeld was disturbed by the very idea of having a helmet law, believing that it’s ridiculous that the government is passing laws to save the lives of people whose brains are functioning so poorly that they aren’t even trying to save themselves.
“It’s not about what makes sense, or what’s logical,” said LOSER director Kevin Dillwood from his parent’s basement, “it’s about our rights as Americans. You step on one right and justify it by saying you want to ‘save lives,’ but then where do you draw the line? Before you know it, kids won’t be allowed to buy handguns just because one might hurt himself.”
Although the trampling of his rights is certainly a concern of Edwards, the real issue in his mind is the continual insensitivity of America as a whole towards the overweight population. “I know that obese Americans are a severe minority, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have feelings,” said Edwards, “I’m no different from any other American who puts their pants on one leg at a time, with the help of a spotter and two volunteer firemen, and I just want people to understand that we’re different and we can’t be held to the same laws as skinny-folk.”
In the suit, Edwards is demanding that the ticket be revoked, his driving record be cleared, and as compensation for the emotional trauma he’s endured, he be awarded a lifetime supply of Swiss Cake Rolls.
“People are going to learn, one way or another, that you can’t mess with the obese just because they might be overweight in the eyes of a few judgmental individuals,” said Edwards, “I just hope this most recent suit will be a huge step towards what we’re trying to achieve, cause Lord knows I can’t take very many steps unless I get time in between each one for a breather.”
(Written by Plagman)
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