D. Armenta
PlagmanThe Deal with New Years' Resolutions
People keep asking me if I’ve made any New Years’ Resolutions this year. For the most part, this is a lame attempt by girls to strike up a conversation with me, but it really got me thinking about the whole idea of making a resolution for New Years’ in the first place. But to answer their question, yes I made resolutions. The first, which I made ten minutes ago (yes, I know its January 6th) was to not procrastinate. My second was to start writing articles in which I refrain from insinuating that girls throw themselves at me. So far I’m 0-for-2, but then again, making it to the 6h of January without breaking my resolutions is about 4 days longer than most people can go.
The great thing about the New Years’ resolution is that it allows us to acknowledge that we have something about us we should be attempting to fix, while simultaneously giving us an irrefutable reason to put off making that change. And even though we never expect anyone to keep up with their resolutions for more than a week, it still serves as a perfectly acceptable postponement of a commitment to improve one’s self. Take this classic example:
“Honey, you know I love you, but I can’t take it anymore, either you quit smoking or I’m leaving you.”
I’m going to, I promise. See, look, it’s on my list of New Years’ resolutions…
“It’s the middle of August… I’m so proud of you!”
Clearly, there is little that is more American than the list of New Years’ resolutions.
So now the question is, why do New Years’ resolutions wield this incredible perception of power and influence? Two phenomena can explain the aforementioned phenomenon (I lost my thesaurus).
The first, and this is not in order of importance, is hope, or as it is more accurately referred to by myself and other people of ridiculously high intelligence: delusion. By putting off the change until the New Years’, the individual is allowed to maintain the delusion that he may actually accomplish the feat, or at least maintain an apathetic attempt for a few days.
But who can blame imperfect individuals for wanting to hold on to a glimmer of hope that they can overcome their inadequacies? Hope is a beautiful thing. If you think you may have HIV, would you want to get tested, find out you’re positive, and no longer be able to hope that you’re negative? I’d take hope over life-saving anti-viral medications any day.
Would you want to know that you had Huntington’s disease, which causes death at middle-age, so that you could avoid having children because there would be a 50% chance they would suffer the same fate, and in doing so no longer be able to hope that you’re going to live long enough to die of an obesity-related illness like a normal American? I’d rather hope for heart disease, and so would you. Besides, without hope, instead of occupying my Saturday afternoon by coming up with excuses as to why she hasn’t called me back, I’d be wallowing in self-pity and thus unable to write this article, or do my laundry (and now you know why we call it “delusion”).
But the main reason these resolutions are so popular isn’t because it allows us to be dreamers, it’s because it gives us what every American uses as a basis for every tough decision they will ever make: justification. Should I drive home after drinking four pitchers? Well, it’s only five miles… Should I take the $40 on my dad’s nightstand? Well, he does owe me for that Father’s Day gift I bought him that he never uses… Should I use the tape of our wedding to record the season premiere of the new American Gladiators? I mean, it’s not like she wasn’t there when our wedding was filmed… Clearly, having justification for any action is invaluable, and this is exactly the service that the New Years’ resolution provides.
As we saw earlier, the resolution to quit smoking justified the activity’s continuation for an extended period of time. Sure, the man could have quit in August, but by resolving to do so with the new year, it’s okay that he’s going to keep smoking, and thus he has now bought himself an extra five months of unimpeded carcinogenic enjoyment. Not to mention, research by the Marlboro Institute for Health has shown that New Years’ resolutions are 37% more effective than nicotine patches, and 64% more effective than ultimatums from spouses. The Institute thus recommends that in lieu of costly nicotine-replacement therapies, smokers wishing to quit should make a resolution to do so.
The other form of self-induced health deterioration in America, obesity, also benefits from the New Years’ pledge to resolve by justifying the voracious eating habits that individuals have a tendency to establish at the onset of the holiday season. During this season, the average American gains approximately eight pounds, or if they live in the south, eighteen pounds. But keep in mind, that number can vary depending on which fitness center’s commercial you’re watching.
Many scholars believe that the New Years’ resolution first appeared during the administration of President William Taft, given his penchant for weighing 330 pounds. In truth, it was Taft’s successor, Woodrow Wilson, who was the architect of the list, which he created in order to persuade his wife that he was going to resolve to stop looking at porn on the internet. However, given that Taft was the largest president in US history, and Wilson was president during World War I, this hallmark achievement of Wilson’s presidency is often overlooked.
As you can see, the use of resolutions to justify “pigging out” has deep-seeded roots in American history, and thus cannot be supplanted, not even by the ACLU. Fortunately it’s not that big of a deal, since every American who chooses to “pig out” during the holidays has also made a New Years’ resolution to go on a diet and start working out every day. I mean, come on, otherwise gaining 10 pounds over the holidays from overeating would just be irresponsible.
The great thing about the New Years’ resolution is that it allows us to acknowledge that we have something about us we should be attempting to fix, while simultaneously giving us an irrefutable reason to put off making that change. And even though we never expect anyone to keep up with their resolutions for more than a week, it still serves as a perfectly acceptable postponement of a commitment to improve one’s self. Take this classic example:
“Honey, you know I love you, but I can’t take it anymore, either you quit smoking or I’m leaving you.”
I’m going to, I promise. See, look, it’s on my list of New Years’ resolutions…
“It’s the middle of August… I’m so proud of you!”
Clearly, there is little that is more American than the list of New Years’ resolutions.
So now the question is, why do New Years’ resolutions wield this incredible perception of power and influence? Two phenomena can explain the aforementioned phenomenon (I lost my thesaurus).
The first, and this is not in order of importance, is hope, or as it is more accurately referred to by myself and other people of ridiculously high intelligence: delusion. By putting off the change until the New Years’, the individual is allowed to maintain the delusion that he may actually accomplish the feat, or at least maintain an apathetic attempt for a few days.
But who can blame imperfect individuals for wanting to hold on to a glimmer of hope that they can overcome their inadequacies? Hope is a beautiful thing. If you think you may have HIV, would you want to get tested, find out you’re positive, and no longer be able to hope that you’re negative? I’d take hope over life-saving anti-viral medications any day.
Would you want to know that you had Huntington’s disease, which causes death at middle-age, so that you could avoid having children because there would be a 50% chance they would suffer the same fate, and in doing so no longer be able to hope that you’re going to live long enough to die of an obesity-related illness like a normal American? I’d rather hope for heart disease, and so would you. Besides, without hope, instead of occupying my Saturday afternoon by coming up with excuses as to why she hasn’t called me back, I’d be wallowing in self-pity and thus unable to write this article, or do my laundry (and now you know why we call it “delusion”).
But the main reason these resolutions are so popular isn’t because it allows us to be dreamers, it’s because it gives us what every American uses as a basis for every tough decision they will ever make: justification. Should I drive home after drinking four pitchers? Well, it’s only five miles… Should I take the $40 on my dad’s nightstand? Well, he does owe me for that Father’s Day gift I bought him that he never uses… Should I use the tape of our wedding to record the season premiere of the new American Gladiators? I mean, it’s not like she wasn’t there when our wedding was filmed… Clearly, having justification for any action is invaluable, and this is exactly the service that the New Years’ resolution provides.
As we saw earlier, the resolution to quit smoking justified the activity’s continuation for an extended period of time. Sure, the man could have quit in August, but by resolving to do so with the new year, it’s okay that he’s going to keep smoking, and thus he has now bought himself an extra five months of unimpeded carcinogenic enjoyment. Not to mention, research by the Marlboro Institute for Health has shown that New Years’ resolutions are 37% more effective than nicotine patches, and 64% more effective than ultimatums from spouses. The Institute thus recommends that in lieu of costly nicotine-replacement therapies, smokers wishing to quit should make a resolution to do so.
The other form of self-induced health deterioration in America, obesity, also benefits from the New Years’ pledge to resolve by justifying the voracious eating habits that individuals have a tendency to establish at the onset of the holiday season. During this season, the average American gains approximately eight pounds, or if they live in the south, eighteen pounds. But keep in mind, that number can vary depending on which fitness center’s commercial you’re watching.
Many scholars believe that the New Years’ resolution first appeared during the administration of President William Taft, given his penchant for weighing 330 pounds. In truth, it was Taft’s successor, Woodrow Wilson, who was the architect of the list, which he created in order to persuade his wife that he was going to resolve to stop looking at porn on the internet. However, given that Taft was the largest president in US history, and Wilson was president during World War I, this hallmark achievement of Wilson’s presidency is often overlooked.
As you can see, the use of resolutions to justify “pigging out” has deep-seeded roots in American history, and thus cannot be supplanted, not even by the ACLU. Fortunately it’s not that big of a deal, since every American who chooses to “pig out” during the holidays has also made a New Years’ resolution to go on a diet and start working out every day. I mean, come on, otherwise gaining 10 pounds over the holidays from overeating would just be irresponsible.
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