D. Armenta
PlagmanThe Paris Hilton Saga Continues
Paris France Hilton, who despite rumors does in fact have her GED, began her career as a millionaire’s daughter at a very young age. Her childhood would also see the development of her modeling career, despite being told by Simon Cowell that her performance was “ghastly, absolutely dreadful”; in retaliation, Paris would convince her father to pay FOX to stick him behind a desk with Paula Abdul for six years.
So as the Paris Hilton saga continues to mesmerize America, many have began to ask themselves, “wait, why do I care?”, only to later realize that it has nothing to do with caring or not caring, and everything to do with being prepared for the following day’s discussion at the water cooler. Nevertheless, the amount of media attention drawn by Hilton’s return to prison after being released following her claims of having “feminine issues” rivals OJ for the most excessive allocation of news resources since Pee-Wee Herman was arrested for bringing out his pee-wee in public in 1991.
Being blessed with blonde hair, and a tall, boobless physique, Hilton’s career as a model was bound to take off. At the age of 19, Hilton became the second flattest professional model behind Kate Moss when she signed with Donald Trump’s modeling agency, T “to the D-rump” Management. Since then, Paris has worked with numerous other agencies intent on having her under contract during her next publicity stunt.
But like most models, they long for something more intellectually stimulating. For Paris, that something was softcore night-vision amateur porn, and she would get her big break in 2003 when her co-star, Rick Salomon, released the video for critics’ review three months earlier than previously intended by the film’s director. To make matters far worse for Hilton, whose distaste for the spotlight is world-renowned, the release came just a few weeks before her reality TV show The Simple Life was to premiere.
The show, combined with the royalties from others using her signature phrase, “that’s neat,” would soon provide Hilton with the means to finally live the life of luxury she had always wanted; The Simple Life had served its purpose.
After the show’s demise, Paris would star in several blockbuster films that would be available at Blockbuster two hours after their release. Finding the big screen to be quite elusive, Hilton went back to what had always come naturally to her: random, unwarranted publicity.
In 2006, Hilton would once again catch a break when a police officer pulled her over for going 211mph in a 25mph school zone with ongoing construction during an ice storm while passing a school bus unloading handicapped children. Initially, Paris was concerned about her inability to flirt her way out of the infraction, but it would be the reason for this failure that would vault her into the national spotlight.
After noticing that Hilton was acting a bit ditzy, having not been familiar with Paris’ work the officer began to question whether or not she had been drinking. Unfortunately for Paris, she only had cash on her, and the cop wasn’t going to accept a $238,000 bribe. With a blood alcohol level of .08%, which is double the legal limit of .08%, Paris would be arrested, initiating a media frenzy that would make the OJ trial look like Judge Judy lecturing a jobless deadbeat dad with a comb in his afro.
The charge would be reduced to reckless driving, to which she pleaded no contest. A few weeks later, Hilton was pulled over by police and informed that she was driving on a suspended license. Completely unaware that her license had been suspended, she agreed to sign a document acknowledging that she was now aware of the suspension. A month later, while Hilton’s license remained suspended, she would again be pulled over for speeding in a desperate attempt to escalate her situation with the police. She told the officer she had no idea her license was suspended, hoping the police would not find the document she had signed that was located in her glove compartment. Oddly enough, they did find it, along with an autographed copy of One Night In Paris.
Initially, Hilton was given the standard sentence for violating her probation: thirteen years in a maximum security facility. The punishment would be reduced, however, after her father agreed to build the judge his own airport.
Even though the sentence would be reduced to 45 days in prison, it was still much longer than typical for this type of offense, leading many to argue that the judge was treating the heiress unfairly given her status as a celebrity. It was later revealed that Hilton had requested a longer sentence after signing a contract with MTV’s Pimp My Jail Cell, which would have been appropriately hosted by rapper 50 Cent.
The new show would encounter an obstacle, however, after Hilton’s psychological condition began to deteriorate while incarcerated. Refusing to take her medication while in jail after finding out via which orifice her provider had snuck it into the prison, she became depressed, anxious, and began to dress conservatively. The county sheriff, immediately recognizing that she was becoming unstable, allowed Hilton to return home and serve out the remainder of her sentence under mansion arrest.
Upon discovering that his authority had been usurped, the Judge immediately ordered Hilton back to jail. Within hours, Paris would be picked up by police and amidst the tears she couldn’t summon the previous year to get out of being arrested, and was escorted back to her cell, which Nicole Ritchie had since trashed.
Just one day after returning to prison, Hilton would show the maturity that has made her America’s sweetheart by ordering her lawyers not to appeal the judge’s decision, citing lessons learned, time to reflect, and time to read her fan’s mail which she hadn’t done since receiving a letter two years ago containing a nude picture of Al Roker.
Just as with the release of One Night In Paris, Paris Hilton had taken an embarrassing, image-tarnishing incident and emerged as one of America’s most beloved celebrities. The Bush administration is currently attempting to recruit Hilton as their primary spin doctor.
No one knows what Hilton has in store for her fans next. Currently, experts speculate she may begin an underground dog-fighting syndicate, or perhaps give someone herpes and seek treatment under the alias Ron Mexico, assuming neither of those publicity stunts would be ripping off any gangsta-NFL quarterbacks.
(article written by Plagman)
So as the Paris Hilton saga continues to mesmerize America, many have began to ask themselves, “wait, why do I care?”, only to later realize that it has nothing to do with caring or not caring, and everything to do with being prepared for the following day’s discussion at the water cooler. Nevertheless, the amount of media attention drawn by Hilton’s return to prison after being released following her claims of having “feminine issues” rivals OJ for the most excessive allocation of news resources since Pee-Wee Herman was arrested for bringing out his pee-wee in public in 1991.
Being blessed with blonde hair, and a tall, boobless physique, Hilton’s career as a model was bound to take off. At the age of 19, Hilton became the second flattest professional model behind Kate Moss when she signed with Donald Trump’s modeling agency, T “to the D-rump” Management. Since then, Paris has worked with numerous other agencies intent on having her under contract during her next publicity stunt.
But like most models, they long for something more intellectually stimulating. For Paris, that something was softcore night-vision amateur porn, and she would get her big break in 2003 when her co-star, Rick Salomon, released the video for critics’ review three months earlier than previously intended by the film’s director. To make matters far worse for Hilton, whose distaste for the spotlight is world-renowned, the release came just a few weeks before her reality TV show The Simple Life was to premiere.
The show, combined with the royalties from others using her signature phrase, “that’s neat,” would soon provide Hilton with the means to finally live the life of luxury she had always wanted; The Simple Life had served its purpose.
After the show’s demise, Paris would star in several blockbuster films that would be available at Blockbuster two hours after their release. Finding the big screen to be quite elusive, Hilton went back to what had always come naturally to her: random, unwarranted publicity.
In 2006, Hilton would once again catch a break when a police officer pulled her over for going 211mph in a 25mph school zone with ongoing construction during an ice storm while passing a school bus unloading handicapped children. Initially, Paris was concerned about her inability to flirt her way out of the infraction, but it would be the reason for this failure that would vault her into the national spotlight.
After noticing that Hilton was acting a bit ditzy, having not been familiar with Paris’ work the officer began to question whether or not she had been drinking. Unfortunately for Paris, she only had cash on her, and the cop wasn’t going to accept a $238,000 bribe. With a blood alcohol level of .08%, which is double the legal limit of .08%, Paris would be arrested, initiating a media frenzy that would make the OJ trial look like Judge Judy lecturing a jobless deadbeat dad with a comb in his afro.
The charge would be reduced to reckless driving, to which she pleaded no contest. A few weeks later, Hilton was pulled over by police and informed that she was driving on a suspended license. Completely unaware that her license had been suspended, she agreed to sign a document acknowledging that she was now aware of the suspension. A month later, while Hilton’s license remained suspended, she would again be pulled over for speeding in a desperate attempt to escalate her situation with the police. She told the officer she had no idea her license was suspended, hoping the police would not find the document she had signed that was located in her glove compartment. Oddly enough, they did find it, along with an autographed copy of One Night In Paris.
Initially, Hilton was given the standard sentence for violating her probation: thirteen years in a maximum security facility. The punishment would be reduced, however, after her father agreed to build the judge his own airport.
Even though the sentence would be reduced to 45 days in prison, it was still much longer than typical for this type of offense, leading many to argue that the judge was treating the heiress unfairly given her status as a celebrity. It was later revealed that Hilton had requested a longer sentence after signing a contract with MTV’s Pimp My Jail Cell, which would have been appropriately hosted by rapper 50 Cent.
The new show would encounter an obstacle, however, after Hilton’s psychological condition began to deteriorate while incarcerated. Refusing to take her medication while in jail after finding out via which orifice her provider had snuck it into the prison, she became depressed, anxious, and began to dress conservatively. The county sheriff, immediately recognizing that she was becoming unstable, allowed Hilton to return home and serve out the remainder of her sentence under mansion arrest.
Upon discovering that his authority had been usurped, the Judge immediately ordered Hilton back to jail. Within hours, Paris would be picked up by police and amidst the tears she couldn’t summon the previous year to get out of being arrested, and was escorted back to her cell, which Nicole Ritchie had since trashed.
Just one day after returning to prison, Hilton would show the maturity that has made her America’s sweetheart by ordering her lawyers not to appeal the judge’s decision, citing lessons learned, time to reflect, and time to read her fan’s mail which she hadn’t done since receiving a letter two years ago containing a nude picture of Al Roker.
Just as with the release of One Night In Paris, Paris Hilton had taken an embarrassing, image-tarnishing incident and emerged as one of America’s most beloved celebrities. The Bush administration is currently attempting to recruit Hilton as their primary spin doctor.
No one knows what Hilton has in store for her fans next. Currently, experts speculate she may begin an underground dog-fighting syndicate, or perhaps give someone herpes and seek treatment under the alias Ron Mexico, assuming neither of those publicity stunts would be ripping off any gangsta-NFL quarterbacks.
(article written by Plagman)
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Glad to hear about the sterile urine though.
Yep, it's sterile, unless you're sick. A woman with a urinary tract infection is going to have white blood cells, and possibly some bacteria in her urine. But otherwise your kidney is like a filter that's better than the ones my lab pays a shitload for.