D. Armenta
PlagmanHam Steak Aftermath: Plagman's Story Since the Infamous Hate Crime Parody that Changed the World
By now, every blogger has heard the tale of Nicholas Plagman, the insensitive writer who misfiled one of his parodies as news and as a result created an international incident that only Jack Bauer himself could diffuse.
But what has more or less been lost along the way is the story of the aftermath. Plagman’s articles are no longer available on the site he allegedly wrote for, much to the dismay of intrigued fans nationwide. Moreover, the article reportedly received nearly thirty to thirty-five million hits, which begs the question, who would possibly turn their back on such good publicity?
After the initial shock from the incident died down, people started to understand what happened thanks to numerous unbiased and well-researched blogs all over the internet. Rumor had it that Plagman, conspiring with Dr. Evil, planted the article in an attempt to destabilize the entire news industry, thus leading to worldwide panic and the eventual rise of Dr. Evil to the title of Supreme World Leader.
Unfortunately for Plagman, his plan was flawed from the get-go.
According to recently de-classified documents, the private investigator he hired had provided Plagman with inaccurate schematics of the site’s layout. There was no mention of the Google news feed, and thus Plagman was under the impression that no matter what category the story was filed under, a legitimate news agency would have to be incompetent and extremely foolish to believe the article was fact and report it as such.
Upon realizing that his PI’s information had been lacking a few minor critical details, Plagman knew he’d missed his opportunity. “The fact that there was a separate section for writers to re-write legitimate news as their own pretty much ruined my plan,” Plagman said in an interview with the only news anchor he would speak with, John Stewart. “I’d never seen anything written about that before, and they even told me I should start submitting my stuff under the news heading; they accidentally saved themselves by keeping me in the dark; tu chete, clever bastards.”
Realizing his master plan was no longer viable, Plagman decided to concede and continue with the site, because after all, 3 to 5 bucks was 3 to 5 bucks. Not to mention, Plagman’s recently acquired obsession with online webcam sites was more than eating away at his pocketbook.
Soon after the incident, the site would restore Plagman’s other articles and rake in the hits, now that people had discovered how talented and modest he was. Unfortunately for Plagman, it was this undeniable talent that would get him into a heap of trouble.
Several of the site’s other writers, embittered by decades of going unnoticed, were a bit peeved when a fellow writer got oodles of media attention simply due to his own naivety. “Sh**, I’ve been writin’ for a minute! And I follow the rules but I don’t get jack,” said Tanika Jones, a 12-year veteran, “he be writin’ for like five minutes and now he famous for screwing up? Aww hell naw! We don’t play dat!”
In order to preserve the site’s integrity, two weeks after allowing his return, it was clear that all ties to Plagman had to be cut.
“Now that people actually knew who we were,” said the site’s founder, Mike Rotch, “we couldn’t have a maverick like Plagman on our staff. Not to mention the hit we were taking towards the salary cap by keeping him on board. It was unfortunate. Our softball team’s screwed, and I’m sure gonna miss his annual wet T-shirt contest, although I did get sick of him winning year after year.”
Plagman, who took the news rather hard, would soon develop an addiction to anti-histamines, landing himself in the hospital on more than one occasion. “It was definitely a difficult time in my life. Sure, I had beautiful women throwing themselves at me, and endless job offers from unemployed bloggers, but the pain just wouldn’t go away. I hit rock bottom when I found out the KKK was using my articles as a way to recruit new members,” said Plagman, who was also proud to report that he was going on his second consecutive week of being Benadryl-free. “Being in that spotlight, having everyone in the world hate you with such a passion; now I know how Al Sharpton feels.”
Initially, it appeared as if the site would hang on to Plagman and his unique style of poking fun at the deserving. But upon learning that the consequences of his mistake would not land him in prison, the site’s forums became the equivalent of a high school rumor mill, leading to the discovery that Suzie Jenkins thinks Mark Palmeretti is totally cute.
“The other writers were convinced that Plagman had deliberately bypassed the rules by which we operate in order to con us out of $5,” explained Rotch, “obviously that sort of behavior is grounds for prosecution. But just like Michael Vick didn’t know about the underground dog fighting in his own house, if Plagman honestly didn’t know how our system worked than we can’t really be angry with him. I blame society.” But that sentiment soon changed around the office after countless rumors convinced the site’s management that Plagman was a soulless con-artist. “You can’t argue with what they told us were the facts based on what they thought,” added Rotch.
“I started a post about how he was an alien from the planet Marklar,” claims one of the site’s writers, “and everyone knows Marklarians don’t think the rules apply to them.”
“I heard he was the real killer in the OJ trial, and that was enough for me to jump on the ban-Plagman bandwagon,” said another writer. “That, and they were giving out free T-shirts to new anti-Plagman members.”
“Wait, what? I get the free t-shirt how?” commented another.
In the end, Plagman was rumored to be a government assassin, Canadian, a con artist, pregnant with his best friend’s girlfriend’s boyfriend’s child, and Oprah trying to make a little extra money to pay for the free gifts she gives to her audiences.
“If they wanted to ban me to save themselves from getting sued, I can understand that. It’s the same reason this country is so pathetic, but at least there would have been a relatively legitimate reason.” Continued Plagman, “but to be banned because of vile and odious lies is just plain wrong. I am NOT, nor have I ever been a Canadian! Never in my life have I faced such a vicious attack, and I will not stand idly by and let someone accuse me of such a thing.”
Plagman’s contempt was justified, but it did little good in helping him to preserve his sanity. Before anti-histamines, Plagman had turned to the bottle, but even four Diet Cokes a day weren’t enough.
“I’m embarrassed that I let myself go that far,” he said, “but I didn’t know where else to turn.”
Currently, Plagman is being kept under special watch as authorities have yet to receive intel regarding his status as a government assassin. “This will blow over soon,” he said, “I got out of that business before they started keeping records electronically.”
No one knows what the future holds for Plagman, but it certainly won’t include writing now that the National Committee of Journalistic Integrity has disbarred him, effectively revoking his writing license.
When asked where he might end up, Plagman replied, “I was thinking about coming back, becoming a Top Gun instructor.” Upon being reached for comment, his superior told BET, “if he screws up just this much, he’ll be flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog sh** out of Hong Kong!”
But what has more or less been lost along the way is the story of the aftermath. Plagman’s articles are no longer available on the site he allegedly wrote for, much to the dismay of intrigued fans nationwide. Moreover, the article reportedly received nearly thirty to thirty-five million hits, which begs the question, who would possibly turn their back on such good publicity?
After the initial shock from the incident died down, people started to understand what happened thanks to numerous unbiased and well-researched blogs all over the internet. Rumor had it that Plagman, conspiring with Dr. Evil, planted the article in an attempt to destabilize the entire news industry, thus leading to worldwide panic and the eventual rise of Dr. Evil to the title of Supreme World Leader.
Unfortunately for Plagman, his plan was flawed from the get-go.
According to recently de-classified documents, the private investigator he hired had provided Plagman with inaccurate schematics of the site’s layout. There was no mention of the Google news feed, and thus Plagman was under the impression that no matter what category the story was filed under, a legitimate news agency would have to be incompetent and extremely foolish to believe the article was fact and report it as such.
Upon realizing that his PI’s information had been lacking a few minor critical details, Plagman knew he’d missed his opportunity. “The fact that there was a separate section for writers to re-write legitimate news as their own pretty much ruined my plan,” Plagman said in an interview with the only news anchor he would speak with, John Stewart. “I’d never seen anything written about that before, and they even told me I should start submitting my stuff under the news heading; they accidentally saved themselves by keeping me in the dark; tu chete, clever bastards.”
Realizing his master plan was no longer viable, Plagman decided to concede and continue with the site, because after all, 3 to 5 bucks was 3 to 5 bucks. Not to mention, Plagman’s recently acquired obsession with online webcam sites was more than eating away at his pocketbook.
Soon after the incident, the site would restore Plagman’s other articles and rake in the hits, now that people had discovered how talented and modest he was. Unfortunately for Plagman, it was this undeniable talent that would get him into a heap of trouble.
Several of the site’s other writers, embittered by decades of going unnoticed, were a bit peeved when a fellow writer got oodles of media attention simply due to his own naivety. “Sh**, I’ve been writin’ for a minute! And I follow the rules but I don’t get jack,” said Tanika Jones, a 12-year veteran, “he be writin’ for like five minutes and now he famous for screwing up? Aww hell naw! We don’t play dat!”
In order to preserve the site’s integrity, two weeks after allowing his return, it was clear that all ties to Plagman had to be cut.
“Now that people actually knew who we were,” said the site’s founder, Mike Rotch, “we couldn’t have a maverick like Plagman on our staff. Not to mention the hit we were taking towards the salary cap by keeping him on board. It was unfortunate. Our softball team’s screwed, and I’m sure gonna miss his annual wet T-shirt contest, although I did get sick of him winning year after year.”
Plagman, who took the news rather hard, would soon develop an addiction to anti-histamines, landing himself in the hospital on more than one occasion. “It was definitely a difficult time in my life. Sure, I had beautiful women throwing themselves at me, and endless job offers from unemployed bloggers, but the pain just wouldn’t go away. I hit rock bottom when I found out the KKK was using my articles as a way to recruit new members,” said Plagman, who was also proud to report that he was going on his second consecutive week of being Benadryl-free. “Being in that spotlight, having everyone in the world hate you with such a passion; now I know how Al Sharpton feels.”
Initially, it appeared as if the site would hang on to Plagman and his unique style of poking fun at the deserving. But upon learning that the consequences of his mistake would not land him in prison, the site’s forums became the equivalent of a high school rumor mill, leading to the discovery that Suzie Jenkins thinks Mark Palmeretti is totally cute.
“The other writers were convinced that Plagman had deliberately bypassed the rules by which we operate in order to con us out of $5,” explained Rotch, “obviously that sort of behavior is grounds for prosecution. But just like Michael Vick didn’t know about the underground dog fighting in his own house, if Plagman honestly didn’t know how our system worked than we can’t really be angry with him. I blame society.” But that sentiment soon changed around the office after countless rumors convinced the site’s management that Plagman was a soulless con-artist. “You can’t argue with what they told us were the facts based on what they thought,” added Rotch.
“I started a post about how he was an alien from the planet Marklar,” claims one of the site’s writers, “and everyone knows Marklarians don’t think the rules apply to them.”
“I heard he was the real killer in the OJ trial, and that was enough for me to jump on the ban-Plagman bandwagon,” said another writer. “That, and they were giving out free T-shirts to new anti-Plagman members.”
“Wait, what? I get the free t-shirt how?” commented another.
In the end, Plagman was rumored to be a government assassin, Canadian, a con artist, pregnant with his best friend’s girlfriend’s boyfriend’s child, and Oprah trying to make a little extra money to pay for the free gifts she gives to her audiences.
“If they wanted to ban me to save themselves from getting sued, I can understand that. It’s the same reason this country is so pathetic, but at least there would have been a relatively legitimate reason.” Continued Plagman, “but to be banned because of vile and odious lies is just plain wrong. I am NOT, nor have I ever been a Canadian! Never in my life have I faced such a vicious attack, and I will not stand idly by and let someone accuse me of such a thing.”
Plagman’s contempt was justified, but it did little good in helping him to preserve his sanity. Before anti-histamines, Plagman had turned to the bottle, but even four Diet Cokes a day weren’t enough.
“I’m embarrassed that I let myself go that far,” he said, “but I didn’t know where else to turn.”
Currently, Plagman is being kept under special watch as authorities have yet to receive intel regarding his status as a government assassin. “This will blow over soon,” he said, “I got out of that business before they started keeping records electronically.”
No one knows what the future holds for Plagman, but it certainly won’t include writing now that the National Committee of Journalistic Integrity has disbarred him, effectively revoking his writing license.
When asked where he might end up, Plagman replied, “I was thinking about coming back, becoming a Top Gun instructor.” Upon being reached for comment, his superior told BET, “if he screws up just this much, he’ll be flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog sh** out of Hong Kong!”
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The Florida Keys and Everglades
The Black Sheep Chronicles
What constitutes bad manners?
The male mystique
Debate Fan
My receptionist, Amanda Lay, was off that day..
The Florida Keys and Everglades
The Black Sheep Chronicles
What constitutes bad manners?
The male mystique
Debate Fan