D. Armenta
PlagmanTraveler Flees, Spreads Disease Across the Globe
American Thomas Collins, 36, was arrested in Paris earlier this week while attempting to pass through airport security with the intention of catching a flight to Venice, despite being warned by his physician that the virus he was carrying was highly contagious.
Jean-Baptiste Depardieu, the head of security at Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris, France, explained the incident. “The American completely ignored the infection his doctor had told him about and attempted to fly to Venice with his fiancé to get married, as if everything was normal.”
But the situation was anything but normal. According to officials in France, it was, in fact, abnormal. Collins, who claimed he hadn’t recently visited Mexico, China, or any other third-world country known for contagious and debilitating diseases, was diagnosed as infected with one of 200 different forms of rhinovirus. Rhinoviruses, named after the animal from which it was originally transmitted to humans, the antelope, is a highly contagious, ssRNA virus from the family Picornaviridae, that among the uneducated is often referred to as the common cold.
Said Depardieu, “Collins made no attempt to quarantine himself from other people, selfishly risking the health and well-being of everyone he came into contact with. But then again, who can blame him, I mean, did you see the picture of his fiancé?? I'd give her my virus, if you know what I mean! Wait, that didn't make any sense...”
Passengers from the flight are being tracked down and quarantined, as is anyone who they might have come in contact with after the flight.
“Hotel employees, cab drivers, waiters, prostitutes, bellboys, co-workers; anyone and everyone who was within the vicinity of a passenger from Collins’ flight needs to come forward.” Stated Francois-Luc Picard, executive director of the French Center for Disease Control and Body Odor Prevention. “But even that isn’t going to be good enough. What makes the rhinovirus so brutal is its ability to live on fomite surfaces for hours. Doorknobs, condom wrappers, keys, doorknobs, table tops, computer keyboards, doorknobs; all could possess virus particles that could be transmitted to another individual. Sure, people could just not sneeze or cough into their hands and then touch things, or simply wash their hands often, but we have to be realistic; once out, this virus is going to spread, fast.”
Once a rhinovirus enters a cell, it sheds its coat and begins replication, a process as gruesome as it sounds. Within merely eight hours, the host cell is dead and then lysed (burst wide open, often without him first giving any warning), releasing the replicated viral particles, which will look for an opportunity to do the same thing once again. Just one millennium ago, an infection with a rhinovirus could incapacitate the strongest individual for days, sometimes for as long as a week. Even today there remains no cure, and treatment options are severely limited.
In the meantime, French police are building a case to present formal charges on Mr. Collins for endangering others. “My wife wanted to get married in Venice; you ever try to go against what a woman wants for her wedding?” Collins explained, “Facing a jail sentence is better than getting castrated, that much I know.”
Back in the United States, public opinion regarding Collins’ inconsiderate and selfish act has been very negative towards the Europe-loving American.
“Why he be traipsing around Europe anyway?” Asked Detroit native Shaniqwa-anda Brown, “Giving them all our good diseases and such, building up they immune systems. It ain’t right, y’all.”
Other Americans are simply embarrassed; concerned that the positive image citizens of other countries have long had regarding Americans might be tarnished.
Even the White House felt the need to issue a statement. “This type of behavior is deplorable, is in no way condoned by my administration, and is not representative of Americans as a whole,” said President Bush, “America is a land of tolerance, not a land that breeds infected international tourists. The United States is praying, except for in schools, that this crisis can be quickly managed with zero complications. The whole of Europe has our sincerest apology, and I can only hope that they consider how we bailed them out in World War II when considering accepting our apology.”
Jean-Baptiste Depardieu, the head of security at Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris, France, explained the incident. “The American completely ignored the infection his doctor had told him about and attempted to fly to Venice with his fiancé to get married, as if everything was normal.”
But the situation was anything but normal. According to officials in France, it was, in fact, abnormal. Collins, who claimed he hadn’t recently visited Mexico, China, or any other third-world country known for contagious and debilitating diseases, was diagnosed as infected with one of 200 different forms of rhinovirus. Rhinoviruses, named after the animal from which it was originally transmitted to humans, the antelope, is a highly contagious, ssRNA virus from the family Picornaviridae, that among the uneducated is often referred to as the common cold.
Said Depardieu, “Collins made no attempt to quarantine himself from other people, selfishly risking the health and well-being of everyone he came into contact with. But then again, who can blame him, I mean, did you see the picture of his fiancé?? I'd give her my virus, if you know what I mean! Wait, that didn't make any sense...”
Passengers from the flight are being tracked down and quarantined, as is anyone who they might have come in contact with after the flight.
“Hotel employees, cab drivers, waiters, prostitutes, bellboys, co-workers; anyone and everyone who was within the vicinity of a passenger from Collins’ flight needs to come forward.” Stated Francois-Luc Picard, executive director of the French Center for Disease Control and Body Odor Prevention. “But even that isn’t going to be good enough. What makes the rhinovirus so brutal is its ability to live on fomite surfaces for hours. Doorknobs, condom wrappers, keys, doorknobs, table tops, computer keyboards, doorknobs; all could possess virus particles that could be transmitted to another individual. Sure, people could just not sneeze or cough into their hands and then touch things, or simply wash their hands often, but we have to be realistic; once out, this virus is going to spread, fast.”
Once a rhinovirus enters a cell, it sheds its coat and begins replication, a process as gruesome as it sounds. Within merely eight hours, the host cell is dead and then lysed (burst wide open, often without him first giving any warning), releasing the replicated viral particles, which will look for an opportunity to do the same thing once again. Just one millennium ago, an infection with a rhinovirus could incapacitate the strongest individual for days, sometimes for as long as a week. Even today there remains no cure, and treatment options are severely limited.
In the meantime, French police are building a case to present formal charges on Mr. Collins for endangering others. “My wife wanted to get married in Venice; you ever try to go against what a woman wants for her wedding?” Collins explained, “Facing a jail sentence is better than getting castrated, that much I know.”
Back in the United States, public opinion regarding Collins’ inconsiderate and selfish act has been very negative towards the Europe-loving American.
“Why he be traipsing around Europe anyway?” Asked Detroit native Shaniqwa-anda Brown, “Giving them all our good diseases and such, building up they immune systems. It ain’t right, y’all.”
Other Americans are simply embarrassed; concerned that the positive image citizens of other countries have long had regarding Americans might be tarnished.
Even the White House felt the need to issue a statement. “This type of behavior is deplorable, is in no way condoned by my administration, and is not representative of Americans as a whole,” said President Bush, “America is a land of tolerance, not a land that breeds infected international tourists. The United States is praying, except for in schools, that this crisis can be quickly managed with zero complications. The whole of Europe has our sincerest apology, and I can only hope that they consider how we bailed them out in World War II when considering accepting our apology.”
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