D. Armenta
PlagmanVatican Composes "Ten Commandments" for Drivers
Fed-up with being tailgated by young whippersnappers, the Vatican issued a set of “Ten Commandments” for drivers today, calling on motorists to be more charitable on the highways, to refrain from driving under the influence of anything other than the Holy Spirit, and to give tithes at church every Sunday.
The Vatican’s office for migrants and itinerant people, or minorities as they are known in the US, justified their commandments by warning that cars can be “an occasion for sin,” citing prostitution and dangerous passing as examples. They would later define “dangerous passing” as any passing of an old person or Asian going over 45 mph on the highway.
The unorthodox document also addressed road rage, stating that driving can “bring out primitive behavior in motorists,” including, but certainly not limited to, “impoliteness, rude gestures, cursing, blasphemy, loss of sense of responsibility, deliberate infringement of the highway code,” and a reduction in tithes as motorists must save their money to pay off traffic fines. As a result, the Vatican is imploring drivers to obey traffic regulations, although running residential atop signs is okay, to drive with a moral sense, as opposed to most people who drive without any sense, and to pray when behind the wheel, preferably with your hands together and eyes closed in order to show the proper respect.
Cardinal Renato Martino, director of the Vatican’s office for migrants and itinerant people, said at a news conference that the Vatican felt it necessary to address the pastoral needs of motorists because driving had become such a big part of contemporary life (AP). “These people are always honking at me just because the light has been green for a while. I’ll go when God wants me to go! Patience is a virtue, you know.”
Martino also remarked that the Bible was full of people constantly on the move, including Jesus’ parents, Joseph and Mary, who rode a camel to the nearest Holiday Inn Express after their Turbocharged Audi A6 ran out of gas. According to Martino, many of Jesus’ disciples were also capable of movement.
“We know that as a consequence of transgressions and negligence, 1.20 million people die each year on the roads,” said Martino, “and only 1.18 million of those could have been avoided if people weren’t total morons. It’s a sad reality, and at the same time, a great challenge for society and the church. Our next challenge is going to be to restore peace in the Middle East. Then we’re gonna invent peanut butter that doesn’t stick to the roof of your mouth, but we won’t be holding our breath on that last one.”
The Vatican’s document, entitled, “Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road,” commends the few benefits driving has to offer, such as family outings once every couple of years, getting the sick to the hospital once every few years, and allowing people to see other cultures during their daily cross-continental drives, the most common trip being the drive Americans make from New York to London, where from they drive straight to Lebanon, during their lunch break of course.
But they also condemn driving and the excess ills associated with cars. Given that the highway is the best place to gain power over people you’ll never see again, driving “provides an easy opportunity to dominate others” by speeding. Motorists can also kill themselves and others by failing to get regular tune-ups; the Vatican estimates that nearly 58% of their fatalities on the road last year occurred because some people chose to wait until 3100, sometimes even 3200 miles before getting an oil change. According to MADD, the Mothers Against Drunk Driving, alcohol was involved in 166% of those fatalities. To a lesser extent, driving while under the influence of drugs or alcohol, driving while tired, and driving with two X chromosomes can also be extremely dangerous.
The document further requested that drivers obey the speed limits and exercise good, Christian virtues while driving, such as charity to fellow drivers, prudence on the roads, getting out of the way, going when the light turns green, and for God’s sake merge onto the damn highway already!
It even suggested that saying the Rosary while driving would be effective to stay focused given that its “rhythm and gentle repetition doesn’t distract the driver’s attention,” bringing the number of practical applications for prayer up to one. Nevertheless, it may be difficult to recite prayers while putting on make-up, reading the newspaper, texting your boyfriend, and making scrambled eggs.
Given the futility in trying to solve real problems, these Ten Commandments were produced for bishops’ conferences worldwide to ensure they had something to talk about. The piece also came equipped with recommendations for their pastoral workers, such as setting up chapels alongside the highway, and having “periodic celebration of liturgies at major road hubs, motorway restaurants, lorry (tractor-trailer) parks,” and anywhere else where people knew what liturgies were.
Next month, the Vatican is expected to release their “Ten Commandments of Cell Phone Use.”
The Vatican’s office for migrants and itinerant people, or minorities as they are known in the US, justified their commandments by warning that cars can be “an occasion for sin,” citing prostitution and dangerous passing as examples. They would later define “dangerous passing” as any passing of an old person or Asian going over 45 mph on the highway.
The unorthodox document also addressed road rage, stating that driving can “bring out primitive behavior in motorists,” including, but certainly not limited to, “impoliteness, rude gestures, cursing, blasphemy, loss of sense of responsibility, deliberate infringement of the highway code,” and a reduction in tithes as motorists must save their money to pay off traffic fines. As a result, the Vatican is imploring drivers to obey traffic regulations, although running residential atop signs is okay, to drive with a moral sense, as opposed to most people who drive without any sense, and to pray when behind the wheel, preferably with your hands together and eyes closed in order to show the proper respect.
Cardinal Renato Martino, director of the Vatican’s office for migrants and itinerant people, said at a news conference that the Vatican felt it necessary to address the pastoral needs of motorists because driving had become such a big part of contemporary life (AP). “These people are always honking at me just because the light has been green for a while. I’ll go when God wants me to go! Patience is a virtue, you know.”
Martino also remarked that the Bible was full of people constantly on the move, including Jesus’ parents, Joseph and Mary, who rode a camel to the nearest Holiday Inn Express after their Turbocharged Audi A6 ran out of gas. According to Martino, many of Jesus’ disciples were also capable of movement.
“We know that as a consequence of transgressions and negligence, 1.20 million people die each year on the roads,” said Martino, “and only 1.18 million of those could have been avoided if people weren’t total morons. It’s a sad reality, and at the same time, a great challenge for society and the church. Our next challenge is going to be to restore peace in the Middle East. Then we’re gonna invent peanut butter that doesn’t stick to the roof of your mouth, but we won’t be holding our breath on that last one.”
The Vatican’s document, entitled, “Guidelines for the Pastoral Care of the Road,” commends the few benefits driving has to offer, such as family outings once every couple of years, getting the sick to the hospital once every few years, and allowing people to see other cultures during their daily cross-continental drives, the most common trip being the drive Americans make from New York to London, where from they drive straight to Lebanon, during their lunch break of course.
But they also condemn driving and the excess ills associated with cars. Given that the highway is the best place to gain power over people you’ll never see again, driving “provides an easy opportunity to dominate others” by speeding. Motorists can also kill themselves and others by failing to get regular tune-ups; the Vatican estimates that nearly 58% of their fatalities on the road last year occurred because some people chose to wait until 3100, sometimes even 3200 miles before getting an oil change. According to MADD, the Mothers Against Drunk Driving, alcohol was involved in 166% of those fatalities. To a lesser extent, driving while under the influence of drugs or alcohol, driving while tired, and driving with two X chromosomes can also be extremely dangerous.
The document further requested that drivers obey the speed limits and exercise good, Christian virtues while driving, such as charity to fellow drivers, prudence on the roads, getting out of the way, going when the light turns green, and for God’s sake merge onto the damn highway already!
It even suggested that saying the Rosary while driving would be effective to stay focused given that its “rhythm and gentle repetition doesn’t distract the driver’s attention,” bringing the number of practical applications for prayer up to one. Nevertheless, it may be difficult to recite prayers while putting on make-up, reading the newspaper, texting your boyfriend, and making scrambled eggs.
Given the futility in trying to solve real problems, these Ten Commandments were produced for bishops’ conferences worldwide to ensure they had something to talk about. The piece also came equipped with recommendations for their pastoral workers, such as setting up chapels alongside the highway, and having “periodic celebration of liturgies at major road hubs, motorway restaurants, lorry (tractor-trailer) parks,” and anywhere else where people knew what liturgies were.
Next month, the Vatican is expected to release their “Ten Commandments of Cell Phone Use.”
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Debate Fan
Now that this has been released, I'm sure driving in Rome will be a joyful experience, compared to the hell it was a few years ago.
I'm so excited, I think I'll go out for a drive (despite that X chromosome reference, P.--you are so in for an asskicking!)
Reading on...
I figured doing it that way, only the people smart enough to appreciate the joke would realize who that was offensive to, thus sparing me from the peoplewho like to whine for the sake of whining
I figured doing it that way, only the people smart enough to appreciate the joke would realize who that was offensive to, thus sparing me from the peoplewho like to whine for the sake of whining
The Florida Keys and Everglades
The Black Sheep Chronicles
What constitutes bad manners?
The male mystique
Debate Fan