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PlagmanSurvey Finds Whites not in Favor of Suicide Bombings as Defense for Islam
A study was recently conducted by the Morrison Center for Statistical Research as a follow-up to a survey among US Muslims which discovered that a small percentage of US-born Muslims can at least sometimes justify the use of suicide bombings as a means for defending Islam.
The state of Virginia, which officially apologized to African-Americans for slavery a couple of months ago, in collaboration with New York City, the first American city to outlaw the N-word, employed the Morrison Center to conduct another study that would prove the previous one that had been directed towards US Muslims was not racially motivated.
“New York City and Virginia wanted us to survey white Americans and see how many of them could justify suicide bombs being used against civilians as a means for defending Islam.” Said Chris Fillmore, Director of the Morrison Center, “we didn’t know what kind of results to expect going in, all we knew is that New York and Virginia wanted us to make sure everyone knew it was them who hired us.”
The study asked 16,111 white-Americans the following question: Do you feel that the use of suicide bombs directed against American civilians as retaliation for jokes about Muslims, jokes about beheadings, or season six of 24 are justified a) always, b) almost always, c) more often than not, d) where do I sign up?, e) does it have to be in retaliation to something?, f) if the joke was mean-spirited or, g) never.
After six months of trying to find white people in Detroit, Brooklyn, Atlanta, and southern California, the Morrison Center completed their study, and were quite surprised by the findings. The overall conclusion was that white people are generally not in favor of suicide bombings as a defense for Islam, with 101%* of those surveyed responding with letter choice g) never ( *there is a 1% margin of error). Oddly enough, whereas the younger Muslims were by far the demographic with the highest percentage of those who could justify the tactic, younger white Americans were the lowest of all age groups, with 0% in support of suicide bombings. The senior-citizens were the second lowest, with 0%, followed by 0% of white Americans ages 30-44, and the highest coming in the 45-60 range, which scored a surprising 0%.
“We went in not knowing what to expect,” said Don Imustein, senior statistician in charge of analyzing the study’s data, “I, for one, am in shock; I didn’t realize people could be so obtuse. Just goes to show how far we, as a nation, have to go in our quest for equality among all races and religions.”
Al Sharpton, already in a fury over blacks not being included, gave his opinion regarding the survey in a speech about playing the victim he gave at a Detroit middle school. “I’ve been fighting this kind of discrimination for 50 years, and not only did they prove that segregation still exists by isolating whites for this so-called survey,” exclaimed Sharpton amidst waves of applause, “but it shows in black and white that whites are just not ready to embrace other cultures.”
Sharpton continued his diatribe, citing other statistics to bolster his case, including the finding that whereas 40% of US Muslims believe Arab men were involved in the attacks of 9/11, 100% of white Americans do. Furthermore, while one-fifth of US Muslims are believed to be black, zero-fifths of white Americans are thought to be black.
Due to the fear of controversy that could ensue following such surveys, the federal government is likely to ban any future poll that asks questions regarding race, religion, gender, income, sexual preference, favorite ice cream flavor, or preference for men’s or women’s professional sports.
“If there’s something positive to take away from all of this,” said Senator Bob Doleman of Mississippi, “it’s that we’ve identified the racial issues in this country, and now we can pass legislation that will effectively put an end to the freedom of asking questions about religion. Otherwise, what on earth are our soldiers overseas fighting for?”
The state of Virginia, which officially apologized to African-Americans for slavery a couple of months ago, in collaboration with New York City, the first American city to outlaw the N-word, employed the Morrison Center to conduct another study that would prove the previous one that had been directed towards US Muslims was not racially motivated.
“New York City and Virginia wanted us to survey white Americans and see how many of them could justify suicide bombs being used against civilians as a means for defending Islam.” Said Chris Fillmore, Director of the Morrison Center, “we didn’t know what kind of results to expect going in, all we knew is that New York and Virginia wanted us to make sure everyone knew it was them who hired us.”
The study asked 16,111 white-Americans the following question: Do you feel that the use of suicide bombs directed against American civilians as retaliation for jokes about Muslims, jokes about beheadings, or season six of 24 are justified a) always, b) almost always, c) more often than not, d) where do I sign up?, e) does it have to be in retaliation to something?, f) if the joke was mean-spirited or, g) never.
After six months of trying to find white people in Detroit, Brooklyn, Atlanta, and southern California, the Morrison Center completed their study, and were quite surprised by the findings. The overall conclusion was that white people are generally not in favor of suicide bombings as a defense for Islam, with 101%* of those surveyed responding with letter choice g) never ( *there is a 1% margin of error). Oddly enough, whereas the younger Muslims were by far the demographic with the highest percentage of those who could justify the tactic, younger white Americans were the lowest of all age groups, with 0% in support of suicide bombings. The senior-citizens were the second lowest, with 0%, followed by 0% of white Americans ages 30-44, and the highest coming in the 45-60 range, which scored a surprising 0%.
“We went in not knowing what to expect,” said Don Imustein, senior statistician in charge of analyzing the study’s data, “I, for one, am in shock; I didn’t realize people could be so obtuse. Just goes to show how far we, as a nation, have to go in our quest for equality among all races and religions.”
Al Sharpton, already in a fury over blacks not being included, gave his opinion regarding the survey in a speech about playing the victim he gave at a Detroit middle school. “I’ve been fighting this kind of discrimination for 50 years, and not only did they prove that segregation still exists by isolating whites for this so-called survey,” exclaimed Sharpton amidst waves of applause, “but it shows in black and white that whites are just not ready to embrace other cultures.”
Sharpton continued his diatribe, citing other statistics to bolster his case, including the finding that whereas 40% of US Muslims believe Arab men were involved in the attacks of 9/11, 100% of white Americans do. Furthermore, while one-fifth of US Muslims are believed to be black, zero-fifths of white Americans are thought to be black.
Due to the fear of controversy that could ensue following such surveys, the federal government is likely to ban any future poll that asks questions regarding race, religion, gender, income, sexual preference, favorite ice cream flavor, or preference for men’s or women’s professional sports.
“If there’s something positive to take away from all of this,” said Senator Bob Doleman of Mississippi, “it’s that we’ve identified the racial issues in this country, and now we can pass legislation that will effectively put an end to the freedom of asking questions about religion. Otherwise, what on earth are our soldiers overseas fighting for?”
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“we didn’t know what kind of results to expect going in, all we knew is that New York and Virginia wanted us to make sure everyone knew it was them who hired us.”
Once again--yer killin' me, Plagman!